By Owen Neaman
Even after the death of drummer Charlie Watts in 2021, the self-proclaimed Greatest Rock and Roll Band in the World boasts the ability to ignore death, as poetic or medically mind-boggling as that seems. The 60+-year-old establishment had the ability to churn out an album of original material after nearly 20 years of silence. Fellow elders like the Beatles would settle for releasing AI-assisted, cleaned-up archival recordings as their functional swan songs and other bands opt to record low-key records for their most die-hard fans. But with a roster of featured artists, including Paul McCartney, Lady Gaga, and Stevie Wonder, the Stones made their fans well aware that this album would be a serious production.
Alas, Hackney Diamonds is certainly more of a task to listen to than it was for the Stones to record it, and as a former hardcore-stones fan who had a middle school obsession with the so perfectly swung, raunchy grooves of Sticky Fingers and Exile, the first teaser for Diamonds, "Angry," was unbearable to listen to. Laden with over-compressed bass and auto-tuned to hell, the track's production is abrasive to the ears, but perhaps what's more disappointing is that from the jump, it's clear that the band is more concerned about sounding sleek and modern rather than focusing on being true to the sonics that made their masterpieces so good. What's more confusing is that despite the sleek production, an 80-year-old is still managing to write lyrics about how he's still "taking the pills" and is "still in Brazil." If he means Viagra, at least it clears up the equally confusing line questioning why he hasn't made love to his fiancee (36).
Apart from the singles, the album is composed of half-baked rockers that have been plastered in Andrew Watt's production, and while some Keith Richards open-G riffs drive some of the verses, the choruses of nearly every song show that the band is indeed out of ideas. That being said, the guitar tones aren't half bad, and the vocal melodies in the verses aren't half bad. If this album has a saving grace, it's the penultimate track, "Sweet Sounds of Heaven," with a solid, albeit simple, Lady Gaga feature.
That being said, cracks start to show on some of the more acoustic songs on this album, whether the generic "Dreamy Skies" or the Richards-sung "Tell Me Straight." These songs sound like parodies of heyday-era Stones tunes, and there seems to be no trace of the improvisation and looseness that made them great (even on the two cuts featuring drums of the late Charlie Watts). The guitar parts sound formulaic at best, fatigued at worst on every single track, and the featured musicians (Paul McCartney? Contributing only a bass part?) does little to wake it up. Even the faster-paced songs like "Bite My Head Off" sound like parodies of the new wave cuts off Some Girls. Even Elton John, who was touted as a feature on two songs, doesn't even sing, which is surprising considering his vocal features with some of the World's most popular artists this year. Hackney Diamonds is a perfectly gilded sheen with almost nothing behind it.
Even as the album closes with a completely unplugged cover of Muddy Waters' "Rollin' Stone Blues" (the band's namesake), I found myself more disappointed than I thought I would be, and even with a pretty low bar set for a group of 70-somethings, I would have rather listened to 45 minutes of that AI-assisted Beatles song on repeat. Hopefully, Hackney Diamonds is a document of an incredible band’s recording career finally coming to an end after lasting for a bit too long.